Letting the Light In, Author at Letting The Light In

13th century mystic and poet . Two things happen to us when our family is in the grip of Addiction. We are consumed by Guilt + where did I go wrong? I’m a failure! and by Shame + How can I face the world when my son/daughter has gone off the rails so spectacularly? I’m a lousy parent. As we sink into this state, a sort of helplessness takes over, and we begin to forget who we really are. We become caught up in the stigma of having Addiction in our family. And we forget who we are as people. Cheer up! There are things that you can do every day to become YOU again. There are three main areas to look at. Body, Mind and Soul. Body When we are in the midst of the chaos caused by Addiction, we neglect ourselves and it’s all we can do to get out of bed in the morning and keep reasonably clean. So we’re going to learn how to take care of ourselves again. We’ll start gently, one day at a time. Would you like to make a Quick Start? If so, take a calendar or diary and pencil in an appointment with yourself this week – to take some physical exercise. One hour somewhere in your week. While you’re doing that, pencil in two appointments for the following week. One will be for exercise, the other for some self-care. What do I mean by self-care? It’s something that makes you feel good – which some people would say is a self-indulgence. What do you consider to be self-indulgence? Getting your hair done? A massage? Nails? If you’re a guy, you’re probably going to view most of this stuff as unnecessary. Wrong. With the war zone you’ve been living in, all sorts of things have been happening to you – unseen. Our bodies are good at ‘covering up’ – for a while. But if you continue ignoring your body’s need for relaxation and nurturing, it will fail you at some point. It’s like driving around in your car when the oil is on empty. So guys, how about a sauna and a massage? And if you want to get a pedicure, why the hell shouldn’t you? It’s not necessary to spend money on this. You can take a long bath and give yourself a pedicure afterwards. That counts as self-care because you’re taking some relaxation. The posts in this section will encourage you to really take care of yourself and your body. Your health is vital – so I’ll be suggesting a medical check, looking at exercise and diet. Mind It’s a double-edged sword, this mind we have in our heads. It can be either your servant or your master – which would you like it to be? In this section, I’ll have some possibilities for you to look at in terms of keeping your mind supple, engaged, and most of all, at your service. In particular, Meditation is a wonderful tool for clearing and refreshing your mind – and nourishing your spirit. If we can clear our minds even a little every day, we make space for Serenity to grow within us. Spirit We are more than just our minds and bodies. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. The road to recovery for us lies in finding meaning in our lives and something greater than ourselves. So I’ll be giving you some possibilities for spiritual self-care. There is a reason I’ve quoted Rumi at the top of this page. All too often we have been inculcated with guilt by society, our parents, our children, our employers and by religion. None of us are going to get anywhere while we’re ridden by guilt. Rumi, cool dude that he was, understood that we are more than any wrongdoing we have done. No soul is without hope or value. + Remember that the next time you want to blame all your ills on your addicted child or loved one . To get to that field beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, we need to let go of judging ourselves and others. Most of all, it’s my heartfelt wish for you that in time, you reconnect with having FUN. If that sounds like a total impossibility for you right now – stay with me here. Your recovery, and your sense of who you are as a person, depend on it.">Recovery Toolbox + 9

Body + 1
Mind + 2
Spirit + 2
Your Stories + 4

A slogan central to AA, Al-Anon and other 12 Step fellowships “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it” – Tony Robbins + motivational speaker and self-help author This journey is a process. We make some progress, then we falter, then we re-set our compass and make progress again. There’s a dynamic tension thing going on which is emotionally draining. We think we’ve restored peace to our household, then shit happens. We feel we’ve lost what we’d learned, that somehow we failed; then we feel sad or defeated. But after a while, we gain some perspective, our spirits lift a little, and we are ready to learn more. That’s how it goes. No-one said it was easy. The tips and tricks in these pages will, I hope, help all of you who are on this path. All journeys go better if we take time to understand what we are experiencing. In this section of the site I will: Focus on exactly what Addiction is. Outline a basic Plan of Action + which you can find in more detail in the main section of the site “Plan of Action” . Aim to help you understand what is happening to your family because of Addiction. Outline the stages we go through in our journey as parents of an addict, from our denial right through to our recovery. My aim is to show that you don’t have to get stuck + unless you choose to do so . Talk about the effects of Addiction on the Family. Give you some coping strategies and opportunities for personal growth. These pages are based on a combination of personal experience and professional wisdom that I’ve gleaned from experts who work in the field of Addiction. This is my personal take on how a family can navigate the minefield of Addiction. None of us would have chosen this path, would we? Have you ever felt that envy of friends who haven’t been given this to cope with? I have. The disease of Addiction brings devastation in its wake. Sarah Graham, an Addiction Expert and Counsellor + see her Q&A sessions in Plan of Action/For Your Teenager/Sarah Graham Q&A calls it ‘a War Zone’. But when you realise one day that you’ve actually drawn a boundary with your addicted child, or done something for yourself that has brought back your sense of wellbeing – oh boy, is that a cause for celebration! I aim to help you work towards that day – and beyond. And there’s something else I have to tell you. When the fog of devastation clears a little, what we have is the most incredible opportunity – to grow as human beings. You don’t have to embrace that opportunity. The choice is entirely yours. But if you do take it up – I promise you that in time, you will appreciate the gift of life in a way you never thought possible. Along with the highs and lows, life becomes brighter and most of all – it has meaning. What I’m driving at here is that the more you practise the tips and tricks in these pages, the more you’ll experience a kind of alchemy. It’s a sort of practical, spiritual and psychological mixture. Keep practising and you will affect the energy web that swirls between and around your family – and eventually, you will realise there’s been a shift. The Holy Grail we are working towards in the Parent’s Journey, is Serenity. This is true of all 12 Step recovery programmes and I make no apology for replicating that goal in these pages. What do I mean by Serenity? My feeling is that being able to cope with the daily challenges that Addiction presents does lead to a feeling of inner peace. Sure, that feeling comes and goes, but we can return to our Serenity as we become more practised at coping with challenges and as we learn to take care of ourselves. The aim is first of all to get to know what Serenity looks like. As time goes on, you will feel serene more often. When the words here sound like gobbledegook, worry not. Take what you like and leave the rest. You may just find that after a while you re-read something in these pages, and for the first time, it makes sense. You can leave whenever you want. We’re not in school here. And I encourage you to search everywhere for the strategies that work for you. But when you need a port in a storm, I’ll be here. Go well.">The Parent's Journey + 38

adult or teenage child. If you have questions on anything you have read in these pages, she can clarify things for you. + Don’t know about Periscope? It’s an App – see https://www.periscope.tv/ .">Where to Find Help + 6

Letting the Light In

I feel so weird that I’m scared – the world around me doesn’t feel real

My Child’s Eyes Look Dead

Help – My Life is in Chaos, Part 1

Help – My Life is in Chaos, Part 2

Plan of Action – The Basics (Overview)

Emotions

Addiction is the Bully

Enabling

Fix our son/daughter. We want our lives back.

Breakthrough, Part 1

Your Recovery

Boundaries